NO APOLOGIES.

NOVEMBER 15TH 2013
      I know that you haven’t heard from me in a while... well its been crazy!           Remember the family I told you I was with at school? That’s the reason.
     One day four years ago while I was still with them, I couldn’t go to school cos of my period. It hurt me this time more than I could imagine and so I thought to myself that it was better I didn’t embarrass myself at school. I heard a knock on the door of my room just when I was trying to find a good resting spot on the bed. I opened and saw the husband standing there and I thought I was alone in the house since everyone bade me goodbye a while ago. He just stood there with that same look in his eyes... it was a weird look that often sent shivers down my spine. I occasionally caught him looking at me that way from across the dining table, in the kitchen, while I was doing the laundry and I was never comfortable with it and for some vague reason, it reminded me of my past.
     Before I could ask what he wanted, he laid a firm grip on my hand. I was terrified for what I thought he was going to do. I begged him not to try it  and that I was seeing my period. He was deaf, deaf I tell you, to all I said. I struggled to break free from his grip but it was too strong, he was too strong. I tried to scream but he made sure I didn’t.
     On the bed, he managed to tear my gown and was about to commence his evil when I prayed for strength and his weakness; I realised just then that he was still wearing his tie and so I managed to wrap it around his neck till he was helpless. I knew I should have stopped at that point but I didn’t. I tightened my grip and pulled with every ounce of strength and anger I had in me my childhood experience giving me the encouragement. I pulled harder and harder as tears fell from my eyes; he wasn’t moving anymore but I still pulled.
     Finally, I let go. There was blood everywhere, it was mostly my blood he only poured saliva on the bed. I wept as I replayed the whole scene in my head and I must have done that for a while cos I heard the school van bring the kids back home. I was at a loss on what to do as I couldn’t be found to have killed this man, the society I grew up in shunned things like this and wouldn’t have minded he raped me instead of me killing him. I took what little clothes I could find and any belonging I had and ran without looking back.


    It’s been crazy out here cos I’m in a new location now and I am living a new life. You seem to be the only reminder of my past and I doubt that I want to relate with my past. Of course I miss home and all but what would they think of me seeing the corpse of a man who took me in on MY bed in MY room with pieces of MY dress? It’s not difficult to pretend but I’m afraid I could get caught someday. Whatever the case, I don’t regret what I did and maybe, just maybe one day I’ll return back and I’ll be bold with my chin up to own up to what I did, to what he made me do and I would do so with no apologies.
      P/S: this is my last entry.