HATED IT
JULY 6TH 1995
Growing up with a certain kind of knowledge that sucks you into it every time is never the best way to grow. No one at home knew what happened last year and I am scared of speaking out; not sure what they would do to me. He said he’d beat me up and I don’t know if dad will do same. I hate living this way! Why do I have to carry this burden alone? I choose not to.
*
I guess the secret wasn’t to stick on me alone for long, my big sisters found out. I don’t like the way they looked at me, it was a mixture of fright, pity and disgust. I blame myself. If I was stronger and less afraid maybe it would never have happened to me. Maybe if I had screamed and fought him off, I would be telling a different story, a better one. Maybe if I wasn’t so fragile, thin and innocent...maybe if I wasn’t born at all! I regret that day, I regret my existence, should have just stayed in my tiny space and refused to come out.
I don’t know if Jesus would still be my friend after that day. I feel like a failure.
Sometimes I get so confused; I find it difficult to stay focused and sometimes I just feel lower than anybody....
Growing up with a certain kind of knowledge that sucks you into it every time is never the best way to grow. No one at home knew what happened last year and I am scared of speaking out; not sure what they would do to me. He said he’d beat me up and I don’t know if dad will do same. I hate living this way! Why do I have to carry this burden alone? I choose not to.
*
I guess the secret wasn’t to stick on me alone for long, my big sisters found out. I don’t like the way they looked at me, it was a mixture of fright, pity and disgust. I blame myself. If I was stronger and less afraid maybe it would never have happened to me. Maybe if I had screamed and fought him off, I would be telling a different story, a better one. Maybe if I wasn’t so fragile, thin and innocent...maybe if I wasn’t born at all! I regret that day, I regret my existence, should have just stayed in my tiny space and refused to come out.
I don’t know if Jesus would still be my friend after that day. I feel like a failure.
Sometimes I get so confused; I find it difficult to stay focused and sometimes I just feel lower than anybody....
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